I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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