mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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