Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
