You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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