Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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