OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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