I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
