I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
