Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
