he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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