i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
