Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
