If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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