if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i drank out of a bidet.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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