Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
