I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize