Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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