Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
