our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
