I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
