You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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