I bet he comes in French.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
