I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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