she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm too high and old for this...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
