Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
