my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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