I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
