No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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