Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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