Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
