She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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