Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
