singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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