I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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