Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
