Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize