too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
