sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
