I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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