i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
