Don't make out with my wife yet
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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