It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
