i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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