My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I am spending my child support on dildos
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
