I just threw up on my dentist
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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