I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
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