Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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