I've blown a few things in my day
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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