I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
