checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
