ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
