i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
