Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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