That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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