what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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