if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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