I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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