No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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