I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
