Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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