God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
