Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
