I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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